Well, this is it--it's officially my last day in the office.  I did not get here until late due to my energy sucking sinus infection.  But, when I did get here there were beautiful flowers on my desk from the office.  AWWWWW, what wonderful co-workers I have had over the last almost two years.  I guess I should stop typing on this thing and accomplish as much as possible in the next 3 or 4 hours!  I really am going to miss the people and all the freedom I have here...*sigh*

The reality of the upcoming move is setting in. Friday, I met the person who may potentially take over my position here in the law firm. She seemed like a very nice gal, however, I felt the tears well up in my eyes. The thought of me leaving I could bare, but actually seeing the potential replacement smacked me right in the face. I like having control of everything. I like doing MY job at MY office in MY town near MY home, and attending service at MY church with MY friends. I seem to stake a claim in everything. The realization that none of it is MINE is hard to swallow.

I am very excited to start a new book in my life, but very sad and scared to end this one. Instead of a new book I want to just start a new chapter. I know that this is God's way of stretching me and preparing me for the life He has planned for me, so I will march on through that wall of fear to get to the other side...the place outside of my comfort zone. I just do not want to do it alone. I have the knowledge and faith that I will not walk this alone, for God has gone before me and is currently with me, but having a physical body along for the ride helps relieve the feeling of loneliness. But, this is the big step of faith for me, and with someone along side of me from the beginning I might not rely as much on God (and I know that He wants me to rely on Him for everything). I have to stop thinking...my brain hurts!

Well, aside from the twister within my mind, I am feeling a little under the weather. Thanks Josh for the sincere comment you left about me feeling bad, that was very thoughtful. I hope that the rest of you are spared from this most unwelcome illness--the ever dreaded cold!

Also, my last day of work at the office is this Friday and my last day at work at JC Penney's is this Saturday. I am excited about this because it means I am closer to leaving for my new journey, yet sad because it means I am ending my life as I know it here. SUCH MIXED EMOTIONS....I AM DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! You know it is bad when you cannot stand yourself. I wish I could get away from me for a couple of days.

Lastly, God surely is providing! I received enough money this Christmas to make my January car payment so that I can use the other funds to pay outstanding bills...Praise God! He is paving my way, so why can't I just focus on the signs and wonders He is blessing me with?

What a wonderful time of year!  This is the time that we worship the birth of our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.  This is a time to celebrate the fact that Jesus brought with him the gift of Salvation, "that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (see John 3:16). 

 

In rememberance of the birth of Jesus, I will recite the account of his birth according to Luke chapter 2:

 

For the last couple of days, I have been at war within.  My feelings and emotions are surely trying to get the best of me.  I just do not understand what has happened to me in past 3 months.  Where did my peace go? Where did I go?

 

Three months ago I was at peace with my life and where I was headed. I had a balanced life and made God top priority.  Now, I just don't know what is going on.  My prayer and bible study time are almost non-existent.  I am in a state of some sort of depression, I am sure of it.  I know that I am overwhelmed right now with work, obligations, and the fact that I am moving in less than a month, but I don't think that is the total problem (even though I am sure my hectic schedule is the cause of these feelings).  This depression that I feel is somewhat of a mourning feeling.  A pastor told me that I could surely be mourning over the fact that I am leaving all that I have ever known. Yes! This made sense to me, so I accepted his explanation.  However, the more I think on it the more I am sure it goes much deeper than that.  I have come to the conclusion that I no longer know who I am. 

 

I was so thankful for the person that I had become and loved the person God was creating in me, then I took over.  I started living my life the way I wanted.  I guess I figured I would be alright without Him in my life.  Boy was I wrong!  My whole identity is now jumbled up into a big perplexing puzzle.  I can't quite figure me out.  I know who I use to be (before Christ in my life) and I know who I became (after Christ in my life), but now I am stuck somewhere in the middle.  The fact of the matter is that I am mourning the loss of myself--the person I had become and loved so much, because it was the person God wanted me to be.

 

It is not enough to recognize the root of the depression, for this is not the only dilemma I have.  The other issue is the fact that I know what to do about it, I just won't put into practice the actions that are necessary to become healthy once again.  I am not sure why I will not make the changes required in my life; I guess I just don't feel like dealing with it.  In a sense I am behaving as if I am a brat having a temper-tantrum. 

 

Last night, I finally broke down and stood still for a moment while I looked up at the bright night sky.  I looked at the enormity of it all and said to God that I no longer wanted to feel like this.  That I needed Him to show me the way...that if I needed to backtrack in order to get back on the right path that I was willing to do so.  Then, this morning, as God always does, He answered my prayer.  My devotional for today:

 

 

This I already knew...it was just a confirmation that this is what I need to do!  Now, if I could just DO it...just start praying like I did last night...just talk with God throughout the day...study my bible...

 

Why must I be such an involuntary rebel?

Saturday, I took the ever dreaded ACT Test.  I was totally anxious about this test, since I did not get a lot of time to study.  Oh well, I went anyhow.  This was not required for college any longer due to already being accepted, but, since I had paid, I decided to go through with it.  I think that I did pretty well.  The only part of the test that I am worried about is the science part.  Ugh, I use to be so good at it...now, oh whatever.  I made sure that when she called 5 minutes, I quickly filled in the rest of the dots...maybe I picked one correctly!

 

Since I am going to college, I should have taken this more seriously and used this opportunity to get a real taste of what exams are going to be like.  Get back into the practice of studying.  Wait, I never did really study. I always did well (for the most part) even without studying.  Guess all of that is going to change.  I want to work diligently this time round...this time it really means something to me.  I have a future ahead of me...a really bright one! 

 

Oh, Lord, I pray that I continue to come to know you better, each and every day.  I pray that through that closeness you will grant to me your knowledge, wisdom and discernment.  I love you Lord and thank you for this gift of life!  I pray that my life will be used to glorify you in all that I do.  I pray this in the precious name of your son and my Saviour, Jesus.

(Actually it snowed on Monday...forgot to finish and post)

 

Yesterday it began snowing at about 3:00 p.m. here on the Eastern Shore of Maryland.  I made a slow daring journey for home down the black highway that began to transform into a white fluffy trail before my eyes.  At this point and time all the snow did for me was cause me fear, worry, and much inconvenience.  But, the little red front wheel drive sports car plowed on down the road just as it has done many many times before, with the exception of a few slips and slides.

 

Last night I slept so well. I was cuddled all up under a big down comforter where the ever chilling night air could not reach me.  I think...no, I know...this was the best sleep I have had since I can remember.  When I awoke and looked out the glass front door, I gasped. Wow, what a sight. Everything was covered in about 4 inches of snow.  At that point I thought about how disappointed I was the night before when it had started snowing.  How foolish I had been, because now I felt so utterly blessed just to be able to capture the beauty of it all.  Time stood still as I stood there for a few brief moments thanking God for the new and  refreshing view my eyes observed from that same old glass front door.

 

Just like the snow our lives often deliver times of fear, worry, and inconvenience.  But, if we know within our hearts that in the end we will be blessed with the most awe inspiring reward, then it is well worth it. 

 

 

 

  

Thanks to all that left feedback on the last post.  I took into consideration all advice left.  I am happy to announce that I feel as if my resignation was a success...if that is possible.  I have been wished all the best, and told that although they will have to replace me, I am irreplaceable.  It all went so well...thank God!

It is almost time...*ugh*sigh*.  I am a little scared because this is the week that I have to advise my boss that I will be headed off to college in January.  He has been so lenient with me in the past year during all of my illness and family struggles.  I feel such an overwhelming indebtedness towards him and this company that a feeling of selfishness and guilt is present just with the thought of resigning. 

 

I have never been good with difficult conversations, and this is one that I truly wish I did not have to have.  I kind of wish that he would have just fired me a month back!  I know that throughout life there will be many occasions that difficult conversations are necessary...wow, just wait till I have kids, right? No time like the present to begin the preparation process!

 

Anyways, if any of you have any suggesstions on how to make this go smoothly...you know what to do!  Also, prayer would be nice! Oh, speaking of prayer, I seem to always be asking for it, so if there is anything I can pray about for you, please leave it along w/your comment. 

 

 

I am feeling down, disspirited, sluggish, disheartened.  How does one pull themselves from this rut?  I have been laying myself at the throne of God, and I know He hears me.  However, I am still struggling to get out of bed each morning.  I keep re-setting the alarm until I have no choice but to get out of bed in a rush to try to make it to work on time.  This, of course, leaves no quiet time with God. I am not even giving 50% at work nowadays. I sometimes just sit here doing nothing aside from listening to music and staring at the computer.  This causes nasty tension headaches and those painful, irritating headaches in my eyeballs.  Oh, not to mention the stacks of files and other work that is multiplying in my inbox.  Also, I am not reading as much (including my Bible).  What am I to do? What can I do? Why do I feel this way?

 

The only thing I can think of that would possibly be the root of initiating these oppressive feelings is: loneliness.  I know that I am never alone; God is with me, but I cannot help but yearn for human companionship.  I have realized that in the past year or so of being completely single and searching out God's will for my life (for the past 9 months), I have lost touch with people.  I set myself apart from all people for a time.  Now, I am ready to get back in there but I am having a hard time doing so.  I do not know which way to turn. I have some really good friendships but the people are either married, pregnant, busy, or out of state.  I feel as if the friendships are built on emails, instant messages, and phone calls.  I want closeness...connection...corporeal fellowship.  I just cannot fathom God choosing me for a life of singleness with a desire such as this. 

 

Now for a little sunshine.  God is still working wonders in my life. Here is a list of blessings God has rained down in my life:

 

1) Joy is pounding harder than ever within my heart;

2) I found, by God's leading, a new church service on Saturday nights where many college aged people attend;

3) I was hired for a part-time job (saving money for the move);

4) My dad and step-mom are talking things out;

5) My brother came home for a visit and had safe travelling both ways;

6) My cousin went to TN to cut a CD;

7) My horses continue to bring me peace and joy, and in a very weird way show/display love for me....totally proves they are from God!;

8) sunny skies today;

9) a call from my mom just to say she loves me;

10) enough money to pay my bills;

11) food for my belly;

12) warm smiles from strangers on the street;

13) constant reminder that it is not about me;

14) the desire to know Him more;

15) an eagerness to follow His will for my life;

16) a local Christian radio station...

and many more that I do not even recognize.

 

Praise God! Praise the Master and Creator! Through Him good shall prevail on earth as well as in my life.

Here is a wonderful opportunity to do a good work for the Lord.  A friend of mine asked if I would be willing to mediate a family discussion.  My answer to her was, yes.  This is fabulous, considering, my major in college is going to be Christian Counseling.  However, this situation is not fabulous.  I am sorry that circumstances have risen to cause "such a time as this", but I am thrilled that the Lord has chose to use me.  My heart goes out to this family and my prayer is that God will use me to help heal a wound that has caused so much pain.

 

Now, I want this to be covered in prayer. I want to know that when I am there the Lord will be with me.  I want to be constantly reminded that I am not to speak my thoughts; I am there to guide the conversation in a productive direction.  I have already given some instructions to all parties involved.  I asked that they all write down all issues/problems they are facing right now with regard to the other members of the family.  I also asked that they not only write down the problems, but to also write down a possible solution to each one.  That way I have their minds opened up to compromise. 

 

So, e-familia, if you read this, please pray for me and this family, and for Thursday night (which is when we meet).  Also, if you have any words of encouragement or advice, feel free to express it...it would be appreciated.